Dear Emma
by TheUnknownWorld
Summary: Holy City- A letter from Jac to Emma sixteen years after her birth.
1. Chapter 1

Dear Emma,

Sixteen years ago this afternoon I gave birth to you, and you gave me the role that nobody else could ever give me; a mother. Having known since the twenty week scan that you had Congenital Diaphragmatic Hernia it was a day I had secretly wished would never come, although we all knew it had to. Your Dad and I couldn't have been any less prepared having thought you would hang on in there for another two weeks at least. But as always you started as you meant to go on; in-charge and strong headed just like me.

I know we don't talk about my pregnancy or your birth as much as other parents may, but it was truly the most terrifying day of my life. It easily surpassed that of my first day in an operating table with a patients beating heart in my hands. You were born via an emergency Caesarean section with a theatre full of our colleagues. Dad was calm and collected for both of us; he held my hand with such a firm and loving grip I couldn't help but feel a little reassured.

You entered this world limp, lifeless and blue. I didn't even get a chance to take a look at you before you were whisked away to be resuscitated. Dad followed behind the paediatric team, begging for you to take your first breath. I honestly believed we had lost you, and that I would never hear you cry. Thankfully we didn't. You fought against the near impossible and made it through life saving surgery at just a few weeks old. Your devoted Dad spent every spare moment at your side; singing you songs, reading you stories and promising you a future fit for such a beautiful and strong girl.

Up until the moment I first set eyes on you at 12 weeks pregnant I had never really known what love was. I do now, and I continue to learn about it each and everyday thanks to having you as my daughter. You taught me to love beyond measure, and with such free will I no longer has to hold myself back.

Holding you for the first time was such a special event. I'd dreamt of it for weeks, never knowing if it would ever really happen. I sat next to your incubator whilst Daddy knelt beside me grinning like a Cheshire Cat. I will never forget the way you smelt, how small you were, and how little you weighed. I absorbed every tiny detail you held, and even now when I close my eyes I can see it all over again.

Being your mum has been, and will continue to be, the best part of my life. Watching you learn to walk and talk will stay with me forever. The first time you ever said 'mummy' will never stop ringing in my ears.

I am so unbelievably proud of the beautiful young woman you have grown into. You never do anything half-hearted, and without fail pour all you have into everything you get faced with. You have your dads kind eyes, and witty humour, whilst you have my determination to be the very best you can be.

As always your Dad and I will continue to support everything you decide to do with your future. Whether you decide to become a surgeon, or own a bookstore, our pride and love will never fade.

Happy Birthday, my beautiful girl.

Yours always,

Mum


	2. Chapter 2

Dear Emma,

By the time you read this I will no longer be with you. Writing those words hurt more than anything else ever could. From the moment I knew your mum was pregnant with you I dreamed of such an exciting and enthralling future together. Your mum however was far more practical and withheld from making any plans which in reality we knew may never come true.

Knowing our beautiful baby girl might not make it past pregnancy or birth destroyed the both of us. Whilst watching people around us getting pregnant and having 'perfect' babies who had no fear of their survival, we had to prepare for a future where we could be parents to an angel. Your loving mum will deny it but she is the real reason you made it beyond birth; she was so unbelievably strong and dedicated whilst carrying you. Then once you were born she wanted nothing but the best for you. Every decision was run past her before being put into place, and mummy was always researching for new meds to make you better. It was in those moments that I knew you couldn't have asked for a better mother, and I couldn't have wanted anybody else to be the mother of my child.

Some of the many dreams I made have come true though. Your first birthday was a massively lavish affair (despite your mums protests) as we celebrated a year in your life we thought may never happen. We've been abroad on numerous occasions since you were old enough to own a passport. Your face was picture perfect when we surprised you with a week long visit to Disneyland Paris. It was the stuff dreams were made of, and a childhood neither your mum or me ever had the chance of. I've had the absolute honour of watching you transform from a tiny, incapable baby into the wonderfully kind, mature and beautiful teenage you are as I write this.

My biggest wish though was always to give you the secure and loving family network I never had. I longed to marry your mother and make an honest woman of her. When you were two (and as a flower girl) that dream came true and I got to walk mummy down the aisle, having begged for the privilege since long before you were conceived. In that moment the 'Maconie-Naylor' family was created.

There are so many reasons why I love your mum. I love her willpower and strength that she manages to maintain in any given situation. I love her sharp yet elegant cheek bones, and the way her ginger hair has always flowed in the most freeing of ways. I love that together we created the most precious thing in our lives; you.

Together we have faced the test of time, sadness and love. Having lost your baby brother, Oscar, at almost full term when you were five I didn't think we could be the same again. In a way I was right; from then on there has always been a distinct lack of his presence. We mark his birthday and due date every year, and visit his memorial to talk over what sort of boy he would now be. But ultimately from that horrific tragedy we learnt not to take anything for granted. We knew we were lucky to have one another, and a now healthy young child. Oscar's death continues to tinge all our lives, but we know live with the knowledge that maybe everything really does happen for a reasonn

I had hoped for many more years with my small but loving family. I dreamt of walking you down the aisle to the love of your life, and warning them that if they hurt you they'd have me to answer to. I always thought I would be the first person (with mum) to visit you in hospital after the birth of our first grandchild. And the one to teach you how to drive. However, the dreaded C word has other plans for us. You and mum must go on alone. Please look after her, Emma. She may seem inherently strong but we all know deep down she's just as soft as the rest of us. You'll both need each other now, more than ever. I only wish I could be there to envelope you both into our infamous bear hug and promise everything will be okay.

Just remember that when the wind blows through your hair, when rain falls upon your face, and the sun beats down on those perfect auburn locks of yours I am with you. I will always be with you.

Lots of love,

Your Daddy xxx


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